To Sadness

A sudden rush of blood in my veins

And tonight I’m the mother I never was

Or wanted to be.

Through the months that I carried you in me

I balked in horror and self pity

At my unravelling ugliness.

It was impossible to ignore my capacity

To conceive and birth such a thing as you.

An unwanted child.

You remind me of things I wished I’d never known

Like that woman in the hospital who made strange sounds

While she died.

You remind me of morning afters and soiled sheets.

You remind me of clenched fists and unending kisses.

You remind me of that day you were born

I checked your fingers and toes

To see if you were normal.

But tonight I’m the mother I never was.

Because I carried you in me through horror and agony

Because I birthed you in a pool of blood and shit

I can hold you in my arms and look you in the eye.

I can watch you scream and flail your tiny limbs

Your skin crawling at the ignominy

Of being made to look pathetic.

So what if I did not want you?

I will hold you in my arms and

Tuck your tiny legs in the pit of my stomach

As we breathe against each other.

I will rock myself to sleep with you

And dream and wake and dream again.

Or perhaps I’d wake up and find you blue

Choking and gasping for breath

And I, transfixed in your embrace

Screaming, running, beating every gate and door

Evoking no response.

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About

Hi, I'm Sampurna and I'm from India. I love to write, paint, and play with my dogs. Catch up with me at Halfastory's Blog. Happy reading!

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2 comments on “To Sadness
  1. Parna says:

    This poem was a treat to my brains which has turned dull thanks to Jharkhand and its student population. Read a beautiful poem after ages. Much needed for the rejuvenation of my eroding and stagnating brain.

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