I keep telling them that I want to be a good dog, hoping that in the ten thousandth and fifty-fifth time they’d believe me. But, tough luck…
In case you didn’t know — there’s a world of difference between a real dog and a good one. Of course sometimes it’s difficult to tell one from the other. But here’s a refresher:
A real dog is a dirty creature; it picks up fights at whim. When it’s happy, it sleeps. when it’s not, it barks. It plays in mud, licks itself clean, sticks its nose out for everything — you know what I mean — and is generally promiscuous. It’s got a thing for shadows and hearing stuff that others are just no good at — and to add insult to injury, it doesn’t listen to you. It’s basically got a mind of its own. So what if that makes it go round and round chasing its tail?
A good dog, on the other hand, is the sensitive type. It learns to love the leash and its related perks at an early age. That’s how it gets its loyalty pills too. True to its reputation, a good dog is a model of patience — throw a bone at it and bid him not to touch it — you’ll be surprised at its nobility and your cynical suspicion of all things good. In short, a good dog thinks twice before making a move, barks on orders, sits and stands when asked to, and generally loves humans. And when the bitches distract, it growls in indignation. A good dog licks your feet, licks your feet and licks your — let’s say — feet.
And they are the ones you’d love to love, wouldn’t you?
I don’t know why I have to keep repeating that nauseating line — that I want to be a good dog. And that I completely believe in Mamata Banerjee and the anti-abortion bill.
If you are one of those who can’t believe me, go give your cynical minds an airing. What did you think I’m doing here, anyway?